new york i love you, but you're bringing me down

thursday night i felt like an adult. as we sat in the restaurant drinking and eating, aa and her boyfriend, s and i and mk, talking about the new york financial situation and what our friends were going through, i had a sudden feeling of being very, very grown up. these were things that adults talked about when i was small--politics, economics, real estate and families. and these are the things that i now talk about.

sometimes it hits me in a wave: this is my life, this is what i do, this is where i live, these are the choices i make that affect everything else on the list. sometimes i am a little in awe of the fact that i chose to move here, knowing it would be hard, welcoming that challenge, and am still here. i've had a hard september; i got sick and i felt very overwhelmed by this place. my neighbor and i (who coincidentally is still my neighbor, even though we moved. he moved as well, and is now still just a few blocks away) were talking the other night about how difficult a city this can be to live in, and he said that's why people usually prefer to visit. there's so much constant action and stimulation that it's great in short bursts, but can be exhausting in perpetuity. i feel like i've hit a plateau, and i know that i need to work through this to get to better times, but i have to say, i'm a little tired. and i know this blog is my exercise in optimism, and this may seem like i'm complaining more than usual, but i want to say this: i am still optimistic. i'm not giving up. i know things will get better. i am working to find a way to make them better.

and that's why i haven't been posting. there'll be more in the future. stick with me.